Monday, January 18, 2010

ABC's and ME

I had always admired them on others until “THEY” morphed me into this unbalanced specimen. These twin aliens invaded my body the summer leading to my 5th grade year at Dodson Drive Elementary School. When I was little, I would sneak and play with my mom’s heels, jewelry, Fashion Fair make-up, and my very own hand-made wig (I would put a bright yellow towel on my head and tie it down with a rubber-band). Blondes have more fun, right? The highlight of this make-over would be me stuffing my shirt so that I could bask in my womanhood. I would grab my Daddy’s brush and sing in the mirror all while admiring my pseudo-titties.

It’s June 9, 1989. All week I have been feeling weird and achy. I don’t care because it’s my birthday week.

June 13, 1989- As I get out of bed, I feel different. I feel 10! I feel like a pre-pre-pre-teenager. I stretch…..bend over to get my slippers…and, oh my MOSES…I feel my ABC’s…Oh, I’m sorry. You don’t know the ABC’s do ya? Well, one day in my leisure, I took the liberty of naming my breasts using every letter in the alphabet. I know, I know….you are thinking…..why? You either don’t understand the beauty of these puppies, because you don’t have any…(sorry ladies that are proud members of the Itty-Bitty-Titty Committee) or you have not relished in the bosom of a set of Beautiful One’s.

Now, it’s time for you to learn your ABC’s-SAY IT WITH ME NOW!!!
B-Betty Boops
D-Dueling Banjos
L-Love Melons
M-Milk Shakes

Back to my story….THEY’RE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOP! WHOOP! I run clumsily to the bathroom because gravity and me are not used to this extra weight. They are so cute and perky. I love em’. I pose….VOGUE IT OUT, CHICA!!!!!!!!!!!! I jump and THEY MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY, THEY MOVE! I had been waiting for the day for them to move. I go to my parents’ room to tell my mom. They are asleep of course. Without knocking, I run into the room and shout, “MAMA, I GOT TITTIES!” She sits up startled and incoherent and says, “WHAT!” I scream louder in a mono-toned voice, “I…….. GOT………….. TITTIES!” She gives me the famous Annie Lois Pullins “I know you did not just wake me up for that bullshit look,” and says, “LOR-ANNE, TAKE YO ASS TO BED!” I am still excited. I am skipping around the house, because “they” move, now. I am looking in my mom’s Hanes’ catalog for bras, because “they” move. I need support, because “they” move. No, wait, WE NEED support, because “they” move. I have to stop being so selfish. It’s not just me anymore. It’s WE……i.e…… “PETE, REPEAT, and LET’S DO IT AGAIN!” I can’t wait to go back to school to show “US” off.

The first day of school and everyday thereafter was torture to say the least. These monstrosities caused me heartache and shame. I got teased for having a thin frame and large “Charlies.” I started to learn strategies to cover them up…like wearing large t-shirts and slouching. I thought poor posture would make “them” look smaller.

The once adored twins became a burden to me. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing the skimpish tops that other women would wear, because I didn’t like the attention that I received from my voluptuousness. While attending Clayton State, I met a petite chic, about 5ft 2inches, with extremely large “Apples”…..Large like she has to back up to knock on a door. Large like if she was turning a corner, I would see “them” minutes before I see the rest of her. She was preparing for a “Dueling Banjos” reduction surgery (and DAMNIT, she was a great candidate). She went on and on about how wonderful her doctor was and that all she had to do was complain of back problems and they approved her surgery. Well, I wasn’t having any physical problems. My problem was PURE VANITY!!! I did not like……..I really didn’t know what I didn’t like….I know my mind changed about my “Milkshakes” when someone else told me how they felt about them. So, I made a doctor’s appointment. I marched in their and I said, “I want a “Noogie,” I mean, breast reduction. My back hurts.” The doctor, which happened to be a female, who happened to be the President of the Itty-Bitty-Titty Committee (8th term to be exact), looked at me with sarcasm and said, “Sweetie, you need to run.” I was like, “WHAT?!!!!!” She said, “YES, you need to run. That is nothing more than FAT. When some people gain weight, they may gain it in their thighs, buttocks, or gut…you, my dear, gain weight in your breasts…..blah…blah…blah…blah.” I could not believe what this trick was telling me. I am too vain to even understand. I just want the freaking surgery. I don’t want to hear about physical activity that I probably can’t do because of these jugs anyway. I don’t want to hear about nutrition and all that jazz. I just want the surgery. Anywhoo……that session did not go as expected.

Fast forward to present day
For health and spiritual reasons, I decided to change my lifestyle and focus on a whole complete me. I knew that I could only benefit from this choice. It was extremely difficult starting but I did it. I am A LOT lighter and I feel good. I still have some reservations about my “Betty Boops” but, I am enjoying the ride. Over the weekend, I took a trip to Pretty Please, in Lawrenceville, GA. For those of you that belong to the Itty- Bitty-Titty Committee that is a lingerie shop for the WELL ENDOWED woman. I needed to get re-measured due to the weight loss (WHOOP!!! WHOOP!!!). While I was speaking with the attendant, I was doing my usual complaining about my “Shimmies” and how every other part of my body has slimmed down significantly, but the “Shimmies,” are being stubborn. They ain’t moving! LOL!!! As she responded, my eyes drifted to the back of the store. I had not noticed this part of the store before. I saw these weird looking machines and fake breast cups. There was another clerk working with a customer in that part of the shop. The customer was small framed and had a bandana on her head. I saw her when I walked in and wondered why she was in Pretty Please. She didn’t have much to work with. I got up the nerve to ask my attendant, about this strange part of the store. She grabbed my hand and guided me to the back of the store and in front of the other attendant and the customer, explained “We specialize in creating bras and augmentations for women that have had a mastectomy. Lori, this is Sharon. She is a breast cancer survivor.”

Okay…………awkward silence for the longest 10 seconds of my life. First of all, I was not ready for that. 2nd of all, I was not ready for that. Thirdly, I was not ready for that. Finally, I feel like a complete, ungrateful, jackass that has a Frito-Lay like taste in my mouth because I just kicked my foot in it…and did I mention that I was not ready for that? Sharon looked at me and simply said, “I heard you complaining about your breasts, I mean your ‘Shimmies,’ I really miss mine. You look beautiful by the way, and I love your hair.” Okay……okay… eyes are welting up….but….I ain’t no punk…..I want to crawl under a rock. This heifer just set me STRAIGHT and then she….she…she….complimented my hair!!!! WTH!!!!! I love her!!!!!

For the first time, I am speechless. I don’t know what to say to her. Those few words changed my life. Those words changed my posture, my wardrobe, my thinking, most importantly, my attitude towards my “Love Melons.” Oh, how I missed them. We are back together now. When we first met, I longed for them to “move.” But for the past 23 years, I had been trying to keep them from moving. NOW……..OH LAWD………..Let’s just say……. “THEY MOVE!”

I am thinking of Sharon and other breast cancer survivors when I am showing a little cleavage. I think of them when I am walking or jogging and “they move.” I think of them when I shower and when I am getting dressed. I am grateful for my “Ooompas.” Ladies, don’t be ashamed of your “Zingers.” Give em’ a special name and at every chance you get make “em’ move” for Sharon and all the other breast cancer survivors.
By: Lori Anne Stallworth

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Moviegasm-The Book of Eli

This is separated into 3 sections
My new Movie Rating Conversion Scale
“The Book of Eli” movie review (NO SPOILERS)
A little history about the Biblical Eli

Movie Rating Conversion Scale

First, I would like to say that I am bit sensitive about my shyt/writing. With that said, if you don’t like it, then just “PLAY” like you do. THANKS A MILLION!!!!

The purpose of my new movie scale is to convert the lame, sheepish, panic-strickened mind to a more outgoing, chargeless, free-spirited mind in regards to your personal passion. Now, get your mind straight. It doesn’t always have to be about sex, but since, that is such a TABOO subject and I am in the business of “going against the grain” and “turning heads,” SEX is implied. If you can dig it, keep reading, if not, then I suggest you move on to something else, you sheepish fool you….LOL!!!

Anywhoo…….I am passionate about music, a good movie and writing. It gets me “off,” to say the least. With that said, here ya go…..please read it carefully. I am moving from that “Star” rating hodgepodge….and onto something that I can REALLY understand….a rating that I can visualize (If you know me, then know that I am using my famous “jazz hands right now). I hope you understand. If not, you really need to get out more often.

Movie Rating Scale Conversion
0=Celibacy-You gets none! LOL!!!
1 star=Wet Dream-Apparent lack of experience; No clear plot
2 stars=Tease-Not enough information; Left me hanging; Poor character development
3 stars=Quickie-Spontaneous without suspense, if you will; Pseudoclimax
4 stars=Orgasm-Reached a point of intensity and emotional excitement
5 stars=Squirter-You did the damn thang!!You hit the spot.All the elements of an excellent film.

Movie Review
Moviegasm-“The Book of Eli”
Screenplay by: Gary Whitta
Directed by: The Hughes Brothers

While Gary Whitta, the screenplay writer for “The Book of Eli,” may be an unfamiliar name to most, he is an experienced video game critic and has worked with the UK and the US, PC Gamer magazine. I am certain that this authentic screenplay will not be the last of his work. Team directors, the Hughes Brothers, mostly known for, Menace II Society and Dead Presidents showed their growth from modestly budgeted films to this blockbuster, gritty, yet unassuming tale of allegiance.

Filled with themes of oppression, duty, and lust for power, “The Book of Eli,” captured a central theme, FAITH, more specifically, an unexplainable, perplexing, blind faith. Denzel Washington (Eli) portrays a mysterious traveler during an apocalyptic era on an appointed mission to restore a fallen society with a deep passion for a mystical “Book,” that he holds in his sole possession. From the opening scene, Eli, shows a fervid sense of discernment and intuition. Denzel Washington turned over an “angelic” performance (literally and figuratively). Eli’s persona was a mixture between the popular hit-men duo from “Pulp Fiction,” Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield, Alonzo from “Training Day”, and Joel Osteen. LOL!!!!! Sounds a little sick and twisted, but his character was kind of HOT . I can dig that “by any means necessary” type of shyt. (Pardon me, I am having a flashback) Okay, I’m back now. Drifting back into flashback mode in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…ACTION---Okay, he is kind of HOT like Mel Gibson was in Mad Max. Very gritty, dark, dirty, but still very much, Denzel. Eli was a gentle GANGSTA!!! This man, Eli, was so in tuned with his purpose that he was willing to do what ever is necessary to realize that purpose. Plenty of ass kicking for you kinky folks….lots of machete usage, pocket knife handling, little and sawed off shot guns, bazookas and all…..But, at the end of each day, HE feeds that purpose by reading the “BOOK.” If that ain’t GANGSTA HOT, I don’t know what is…….I mean…...Oh, Laaawwwwd. Back to the REVIEW!!!!! You have to forgive me, I get a little excited sometimes about my movies. (FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!)

Gary Oldman (Carnegie), known for his roles in Bram Stoker’s Dracula (another GANGSTA BADASS, sorry, I have to give credit where credit is due and Dracula was kind of HOT too!!) and Harry Potter flicks, portrays a, cunning, narcissistic, antiquarian, dictator that has a deep lust for power. Of course, the remedy for Carnegie’s quest lies in the “Book,” which happens to be in the sole possession of my gentle GANGSTA, Eli (see there I go again, let’s pray y’all). Okay, Amen. Carnegie's character, foreshadows the urgent need for the "Book," often implying the power in the "Book," and its infinite role in order to restore society. Hmmmmmmm.......interesting.

Overall, this religious-thriller's (That sounds bad, doesn't it? I don't do religion anyway.) proved to be a serene masterpiece with an ending that is reminiscent of the "Sixth Sense." I will be adding this "flick" to my DVD Library. It was definitely an orgasmic experience in a spiritual type of way. My rating would be a good old fashioned “ORGASM.” For you lame people that are still living in your bashful world and are uncomfortable with that type of language/rating/discussion that would be 4 out of 5 stars.

Just a little history……….from the Book of Samuel
It is important to realize the connection of the character in the movie to the Arabic, Aramaic and Hebrew meaning of the name Eli (pronounced ay-lee). “El” in simplest terms means, a supernatural immortal being, holy, divine and/or sacred. The suffix “i” shows possession, simply meaning, “my God.” In the Book of Samuel (New King James Version), Eli is a biblical priest of Shiloh (a city containing the Ark of the Covenant) who trained the young prophet Samuel. Many theologians look deeper into the relationship between Eli and Samuel. I don’t want to give my personal opinion or theirs about the connection in a Biblical sense….I would encourage you to read the Book of Samuel. It is a good read.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Nail Appointment vs. DIAGNOSIS X

I rescheduled my nail appointment because Dr. Hue called to say that the “results” were in. I am sitting in the waiting room looking at the pale white walls. I can’t stomach this stench of stale plug-ins. I keep skimming through out-dated magazines. I forgot about Mel Gibson’s divorce. 7 kids, WOW!!!! No Pre-Nup, WHOA! Okay, this kid next to me is annoying the hell out of me and his mother is ignoring him. He has stepped on my foot twice. He is lucky that I have a nail appointment later. Oooooh, he is so lucky. He is reminding me why I don’t want anymore children. He is cute though.

I was here on time, been waiting for 30 minutes now. The receptionist is on the phone making an appointment to get her car serviced. I can’t stop thinking about my nail appointment. My nails look a hot mess. I bet she has not even given my chart to the nurse. I go through this crap every week. I have been here a lot lately. Maybe it’s not a good look that the security guard knows my first name, or that the lab tech is all too familiar with my small veins. He knows that he will poke and miss a few times before he clears a good blood sample. I am cool with it. I know my way around this medical facility. I know all the chics in the pharmacy on 1st shift. Nayla got married last summer. Mrs. Jones’ son graduated from Westlake High School last year. He is going to Bethune Cookman. Let’s go Wildcats!!!!!

“Mrs. Stallworth, you can come on back, now?” Yes!!!!! Finally!!!!! Let’s get this over with. We’ve been going back and forth with this charade for sometime now. Mrs. Littlejohn, the nurse, is cool with me. She is always smiling. So positive. Her husband passed away last year. She is always quoting scriptures. She wears a WWJD bracelet, her wedding ring, and speaks of her husband as if he is still living. Today, she is extremely quiet. Blood pressure-Normal. Oxygen levels-Normal. Weight-Well, I say it’s normal. According to kinesics, the study of body language, the nurse’s overly tilted head suggests feelings of sympathy. She is looking at me strange. Maybe she is just diggin’ my hair. LOL!!!! “Mrs. Stallworth, Dr. Hue will be in here shortly.” No small talk today? Oh, well.

Dr. Hue is not my cup of tea. She is a cute little midget. I suffer from Nanosophobia. She stands 4ft 11 inches with heels on and she is about 100 lbs. soak and wet. She was the attending physician during the miscarriage in 2007 and her bedside manners SUCK!!!!! She enters the room without knocking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She takes a seat in a chair directly across from me. I am not used to her being this close to me. She is invading my personal space. I need my personal space. It is creeping me out. According to kinesics, the study of body language, Dr. Hue’s, fast tapping of her right foot suggests that she is nervous or intimidated about something. I’m prepared. “Mrs. Stallworth, I’m not going to beat around the bush with you. After running all of the tests…blah….blah…..blah….blah………..DIAGNOSIS X.”

I begin to tune her cute midget ass out. I am thinking about my nail appointment, Alex’s basketball practice, the old school truck, Dubai, Japan, moving to East Point…Oh, shit….did I pay the water bill. Clayton County Water Authority shows no sympathy.

I tune her in for a couple of seconds and nod my head with a blank smile. She’s going on and on about statistics of survival, therapy, treatments. I drift back into my zone, thinking about my classroom and if I will have time to organize the Black History program. My honey keeps texting me. I need to get a copy of his birth certificate for the passports. We are planning our first cruise for the summer. Oooh, I need to find a travel agent. I don’t know what I am doing with this cruise stuff. I wonder if my mom wants to travel with us? Damn, my nails look bad. I am going to be late for my nail appointment. I HATE BEING LATE!!!!

“Mrs. Stallworth, Mrs. Stallworth, are you okay?” “Huh, what, yes. Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

‘Mrs. Stallworth, were you listening to me? Did you hear a word I said? I just declared DIAGNOSIS X. There’s not much more that we can do for you and you are smiling. What are you thinking?”

This lady cannot be serious! Since when did she develop a heart that actually beats??????? WTH????

“Honestly, Dr. Hue……………Do you really want to know what I am thinking? I am thinking that I am going to be late for my nail appointment.”

According to kinesics, the study of body language, Dr. Hue’s cocked head, lowered eyebrows and squinted eyes suggest that she is extremely confused with my behavior.

“Mrs. Stallworth, you are clearly in denial. Did you come alone? Is there someone here to drive you home? I’d like to sit down with you and your husband to discuss your plan of treatment and therapy.”

This chic clearly does not know me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Dr. Hue, let me explain something to you. I am going to live as long as the Creator will have me here. I am not going to surrender to your petty diagnosis. Believe me, I have been called and told worse things. DIAGNOSIS X is not going to define my life. Surprisingly, I feel euphoric! Never felt better. I have peace. You don’t understand my smile, because you don’t have my joy. You don’t understand my strength because you don’t understand your own weakness. While you take pride in holding the “results” and “diagnosis” of people’s lives in your hands, I understand the power of the mind and the will of your tongue. Your report/diagnosis is just another opportunity for my Creator to SHOW UP and SHOW OUT!!!! I should thank you. You know what, I will do just that. THANK YOU for DIAGNOSIS X. Thank you for giving me another challenge this year. I am always up for a good debate. Is that all Dr. Hue?” “I guess.”

According to kinesics, the study of body language, Dr. Hue’s stillness, then her sudden need to lean forward suggests that she is interested and or moved by what I am saying. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to feed her interests, I am running late for my nail appointment.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Your Glory

In 4th grade ecology, students are to learn about ecosystems, habitats and environments. In the past, I found this topic to be so uninspiring. As of recent, I have found great pleasure in both, studying and teaching this topic. The students are to learn about adaptations and niches. A niche is the function or position of an organism, population within an ecological community. In simpler terms, a niche is the sole purpose of an organism within its environment. For example, the niche of a spider is to maintain the balance/population of other insects in our environment. Spiders also act as prey/food for other animals. I find this to be most amazing because animals do not stray away for their intended purpose/niche. They are not overwhelmed with markets and social status. They, animals, serve their purpose in their community and interact with one another accordingly. Animals accept their niche from birth and live a life to perfect them.

It is such a blessing for some animals to have more than one niche. Adaptations, allow animals to adapt to their current surroundings. For example, body parts, mimicry, disruptive coloration, and camouflage are all types of adaptations. The adaptations serve different purposes. Camouflage protects prey from their predators by allowing the prey to blend in with their surroundings. Mimicry will allow a harmless animal to appear threatening in order to protect himself.

Spiritual Connection
In the beginning, God gave Man dominion over everything. God gave Man the authority to speak life. If God gave animals the gift of niches and adaptation, I marvel at the power within Man. Animals effortlessly live in their Glory. They live in the Glory that God intended for them. Man will search an entire lifetime for self-fulfillment and social status when the Glory of God is and has always been within him. Your niche was given to you on purpose at conception. Your environment or circumstances may have caused you to go astray, but God gave us all the gift of adaptations. He gave us Angels as defense mechanisms to guard and protect us through dangerous situations. He gave us the ability to camouflage or to blend into situations to learn so that we may perfect our niche. He gave us the Living Word, Jesus, so that we may, in every attempt, mimic His behavior and teachings.

Parents of animals begin to groom their offspring from birth to become what they are supposed to be. They train them and let them go into the wild to be what God intends for them to be. Animals have such a connection with their purpose that they are consistent with their methods and tactics with grooming their offspring. Humans that do not have a direct communication with God, sometimes mislead their children into social positions instead of what God intended for their Glory. We must make a connection with Him in order to fulfill the Purpose. Just as a parent of the flesh wants their child to live in their moments and in their Glory, God wants that for you. He has fully equipped you with your niche and the adaptations so that you will soar in your Glory.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Letter from God-July 27, 2009

Dear Lori,
I pray that when you look in the mirror, you see the beauty that I see (inside and out). You are beautifully and wonderfully made. Remember you WON'T be able to see everything with your natural eye. Love you unconditionally, God. P.S. You are beautiful!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Letter from God-July 24, 2009

Dear Lori,
Continue to pray for your children. Don't allow your past failures or your current insecurities to consume you and your parenting. Don't impose your insecurities on them. Those are your issues not theirs. I suggest that you begin to teach your children how to pray for themselves. Deal with your issues and teach your children how to pray now so that they will be able to overcome their own. As a Parent, I understand what your are feeling. You want the best for your children. The best comes from within. You have to be an example and teach them how to tap into it. You cannot live your life through them. Teach them how to live their life through ME!!! Love you unconditionally, GOD!!!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Letter from God-July 23, 2009

Dear Lori,
Your addictions are mere excuses for your procrastination! Your constant procrastination is preventing you from facing your fears. Remember, I don't have anything to do with your fears. I don't have the means to create that spirit. The strength to face them is already there. You have to stay connected and concentrate on me in order to receive it. One day at a time to happiness...or a lifetime of misery. Face them. Love you unconditionally, God!