Misunderstood

I sit and reflect on a sermon that I heard on Sunday. The Word that was given was so profound and it simply described my feelings. It was confirmation for everything that I am going through at this moment. The pastor gave an impressive illustration of the difference between your state and your standing.

I have been labeled as being a know-it-all, arrogant, bossy, stuck-up and other things that I do not wish to give honor to (LOL!!). My mother tells me that people would say things like that about me from the time I was born. As a little girl, I knew that I was different from other children. I would think about things that normal children would not think about. My conversation was different than most children. By the time I got to high school, my eccletic position was an annoyance to my peers. I could not understand why others would look at me and make a negative assumption about me. I tried to change my appearance, my conversation and even my close friends. It did not work. When my husband and I married, that is when all hell broke loose! People would constantly question our relationship. People would make comments about how we looked together, our maturity level, and how much time we would spend together. As a young, newly married couple, the lack of support from family and friends caused a deep strain on our marriage. In addition, not having God first in our marriage caused confusion and bitterness in our relationship.

As I matured, my flesh and my spirit began to wrestle with each other. Like always, my spirit won. For the past two years, I have been comfortable with who I am, but I could not explain why I felt so misunderstood. I did not have answers to the questions or implications my family and friends would make about my relationship with my husband. On Sunday, the peace that I have with myself and my relationship with my husband was given meaning and confirmation.

I have an interesting gift of discernment with others. Discernment is defined as: The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment. My gift was not fully developed because it had not been nurtured correctly. Since I have been on this spiritual journey, this gift of discernment has been so profound that I am sometimes weary of going out into the public. I am not afraid of people, it is just burdenmsome coming into contact with spirits that are unlike your own (I know this is a different language for most of you). My gift of discernment has always been there and because I did not know what it was, it may have caused me to be distant from others in the past. It may have caused me to have an uncontrollable expression on my face (LOL, my mother and my girlfried Tonya knows exactly what I am talking about.) Or it may have caused me to cut someone out of my life instantly without notice.

Yesterday, the pastor delivered a Word from God that helped me to understand why I have been so misunderstood. From birth, I never allowed my state to have an effect on my standing. Even though it took me 28 years to develop a personal and intimate relationship with God, I have always understood my true standing with Him. For those of you that are confused, I am going to give you an example.

During my last check up with my OB/GYN after the pregnancy, this young Asian doctor was insisting that I remain on bedrest for 6 weeks. "Dr. Choy-Hee, you told me that everything was great. I feel fine. I am ready to go back to work," I said. She looked at me and shook her head. "Mrs. Stallworth, I am concerned about your mental health. I think you need more time to grieve about your losses. I don't think you are dealing with this," said Dr. Choy-Hee. I must admit, I was confused at this point. "What do you mean, 'dealing with this'" I asked. "I am just afraid that you are going to have a nervous breakdown. You have been hear everyday this week. I have not seen you cry. You have a smile on your face. Even though you have been in a lot of pain, you have not complained about it. This is not normal behavior of a woman that has lost a sibling and a pregnancy and I am afraid that you are going to snap. This is not normal," said the concerned doctor. The entire time she was talking to me, I was thinking to myself, "I don't feel normal!" Dr. Choy-Hee is an outstanding physician, but she could not undertanding my current state and my standing.

Dr. Choy-Hee, if you are reading this, let me explain:

Although I was experiencing marital problems (my state), a death of a sibling (my state) and a miscarriage (my state), I was able to find joy in my situation (my standing). I cried (at home) about everything that I was going through, but although there was some sorrow in those tears, the joy outweighed all of the sorrow. How can I have joy during this time in my life? I know that every tear that fell from my eye will be an annointing or blessing on someone elses life. Everytime I smile about my situation instead of frowining about it, I know there is hope for someone else that may be going through something that seems unbearable. My state suggested that my sister died and I lost two babies. My state suggested that I should be rolling on the floor cyring, depressed and sick. My standing tells me that God will not take me through anything that I cannot bear. My standing tells me that even though I have lost loved ones dear to me, I am not alone. I am going to live my life based on my standing with Him.

Now that I understand the difference between my state and my standing, let me attempt to explain the previous (and current) name calling (LOL!!!!!!!!).

Know-it-All

state-I appear to have all the answers

standing-I have wisdom and I am not going to down play my wisdom. God gives us wisdom to live by and to teach. I am a teacher.

Arrogant

state-it appears to the natural eye that I am overbearing and that I may exhibit an unusual amount of self-worth and self-importance

standing-it is simple....I AM IMPORTANT and I VALUE WHO I AM AND WHAT GOD HAS CALLED ME TO DO. People that do not value themselves and have not received their purpose will naturally feel intimidated or insecure when they come into the presence of someone that is confident

Bossy

state-I am perceived as being overly authoritative

standing-I AM BEING PREPARED FOR LEADERSHIP.

Stuck-Up

state-I am perceived as being snobbish and vain

standng-Knock, Knock......Who's there? "I AM A KING'S KID!"

Misunderstanding of my marriage

state-it looks like we spend too much time together, we are in a bubble, we think that we are better than........

standing-we spend a lot of time together because WE ARE MARRIED and we adore one another. We are not in a bubble, God has been dealing with our position in this Movement. My husband is a visionary and understands that negative surroundings can cloud the plan that God has for one's life.

Live in your standing and not your state.